Depressed (kind of)

Turn away if you could get me a drink of water cause my lips are chapped and faded, call my aunt marie, help her gather all my things and bury me in all my favourite colours, my sisters and my brothers still i will not kiss you, cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.......... now turn away cause im awful just to see cause all my hair is abandoned on my body all my agony, know that i will never marry, baby im just soggy from the kemo were counting down the days to go, and just keep living and i just hope you know, that if you say goodbye today, ill ask you to be true, cause the hardest part of this is leaving you............... cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.
I cant wait to move in with my love, it may take a while but i dont care ill wait for as long as it takes even if he does not have a house yet and i have to bunk with his sister (my honorary big sis') so it wont be so wierd living at her house for the first little while cause shes fucking awesome lol. It pretty hard for me though I love him so much and not being able to see him without having to hide from the cops and both of our familys is just insane. i have to cal the cop back and say um no i dont want a restraining order on him i just said that to make my parents happy because they were sitting right there. And there might me some way for me to say no he didnt do it but that would just add to the web of lies. I just need him to give me the drive to live though, i would never committ suicide because he explained to me that its just the cowards way out and i believe that. Besides I would never do that to him. I cant help but feel like i dont deserve him. He is one of the rare hot guys who aren't assholes. And im just a girl who loves being a bitch to people and portrays the image of "heart of ice" which is the way i want it to be i hate emotions they are so stupid i dont know why we have to have them all they do is piss you off. What im getting at is that I don't derserve him in my mind. But i know he will say different when he messages me. All i know is that i love him and he loves me, so why am i even thinking this way. im so fucked up. Damn all the confusion in the world. Confusion is what lead to all of the worlds issues. The world is hell but we all have to call it home and try to make the best of it no matter how stupidly hard it is. I found his picture in the old yearbook and its the first thing i look at in the morning and the last thing i look at befoe i go to sleep. He is just so amazing that he cracked the ice surrounding my heart. I cant wait to be with him once again. On earth, in hell or, the unlikely heaven.